Did I hear you say….

I will be the first to admit that I have been very tardy in the past month delivering my weekly repertoire on my time in spend in the tail of the national emblem.  And it has been an exciting time for Qantas.

Out with the old, in with the new.

The redQ experiment is over.  By all accounts it was an ill-conceived and poorly executed plan and would appear to be a more smoke and mirrors exercise.  Scare the shit out of the unions by threatening to move 10% of the business offshore.  After Alan’s mouth had stopped moving and the reality of what he had said was starting to sink in it must have dawned on him that he was going to try and copy the Singapore/Arab model and hope the competition said, no problems.  That was never going to work, so plan B.  Lets talk to China.  We have the safety record and they have the population record – now there is a good model.  Time will tell if this is a good idea or more the 1 + 1 = 3 variety of Qantas planning.

Stuck in traffic?

Tuesday morning, all neatly tucked up in seats, eyes forward. feet flat on the floor waiting for the calisthenics display from the cabin crew.  The door had been closed and the cabin was being pressurised, or what ever they do to make the trip more “comfortable”.  Announcement from the captain, who I might add was female and made for a pleasant surprise (think multi tasking, more women pilots please!).  We are a little behind on the pre-flight paper work as we, the flight crew, were stuck in traffic on the way to the airport.  Qantas have a dim view of late arrivals and over at Jetstar, that’s akin burning cash.  But if you are at the controls, take you time!  It reminds me of George Orwell’s Animal Farm after the pigs had taken over.  One rule for us and one rule for them!

I like my food to move.

Picture this, crammed in the back of an A380, complementary bar snacks at the end of the cabin (that is qantanomics for less staff) and in your snack bag you find movement.  Now this is not the movement that the Banjo Patterson poem was talking about “There was movement at the station, for the word had passed around”.  In the sealed fruit and nut bag was something alive that was not meant to be there.  The press had a field day, the offended customer ,Victoria Cleven was offered a cash payment and the poor bastards in the bag were most likely incinerated by AQIS.  Had the customer been in the pointy end or the top deck of the plane, she would have been offered more “hush money” but by the same token, the stewards (no self service there) may have noticed the offending bug.

Movements in the shadows.

My mate Sid Gokani (figuratively speaking) at Qantas has had a brilliant idea.  Those kids at Virgin Australia are making in roads and causing Alan and Sid a bit of bother under the collar, so Sid is offering double status credits to selected frequent flyer members for all flights booked and flown In April to June.  Status credits are those pesky points that you earn from flying and show the airline how important you are, as opposed to frequent flyer points that you get for not flying like school fees and petrol.  This is great.  Now everyone will be gold or platinum, so much for be exclusive.  Something tells me the shadows from Virgins Brisbane bunker are making the kids in the Mascot Bunker worried.  It is a little like reading a v Spy v Spy comic.

Jetstar, say no more…

I ran a survey in the office during the week.  I rounded up the 15 consultants that I work with and who all travel, like I do, to get to work each week. As a background, they come from everywhere, Perth, Townsville, Brisbane, Hobart, Melbourne, Sydney and Adelaide.  The general consensus is “do not fly Jetstar”.  I could not find anyone who had a good word to say about it.  Interestingly, Jetstar do not fly from Canberra, you can only get Qantas or Virgin flights and Virgins schedule is not as complete as Qantas so Canberra really is a one horse town.

Did you want leg room with that seat?

The Friday flight is a little like ground hog day. I see the same faces each week in the same way you see the same people on the train to work or in the coffee shop.  Canberra flights are no different.  Every now and again Qantas change the plane, so instead of a 734 we get a 738.  For those not in the know, 734 is a 737-400 and 738 is a 737-800, ah jargon!  I could not help but notice that it was ever so tight in the 738.  The new 737’s have more seats and less room – hang on that is what operators like Ryan Air and Easy Jet do, except and this is a big except.  You can fly from the Uk to Denmark for £24.49.  Even if they add 300% in tax, it would still be worth it!  But Alas, Qantas is not easy Jet yet and they certainly charge more than £24.49.

Please switch off your mobile phone.

The guy sitting behind me and the hostess had what could only be described as avibrant discussion about his iPhone when coming into land today. The hostess pointed out that it was a CASA requirement to turn off all electrical equipment and that by putting the phone in flight mode this was not sufficient.  The passenger pointed out that most of the passengers on the plane probability still had phones and the like turned on.  The hostess was not having any of this and proceeded the give the passenger direction on powering down the phone.  Good one Qantas, yet anther happy customer but there is a salient point in this.  If the phone, in flight mode is so dangerous, why allow them at all.  From where I am sitting I can see the ground.  When flying at night or above cloud where you can get visual references from the ground, if a passengers phone sent the the auto pilot on another course, on one would be the wiser.  I actually think it is more to do with exit speed in an emergency.  If a place crashes when landing survival rate 50/50 at very best, at 11 kms up, survival rate 0.  It is not the mobile phone per-say but how fast you can run with the thing plastered to your ear, so unless you are Jack Bauer or James Bond, turn the phone off, or at least hide it from the fun police.

Happy running and in the immortal words of Donkey from Shrek, “stay away from the light” or the Qantas hostess, follow the arrows away from the plane!